pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
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