bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
