Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
I think your dad took our porno
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
