Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize