he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Randomize
