I think I won the penis lottery.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
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