the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Randomize
