Michael Bay diarrhea
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Randomize
