I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Randomize
