My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
