he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
