I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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