I think my fart just growled at me.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
