I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Randomize
