Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
