I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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