1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
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