My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Houston, we have a squirter
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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