so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
