i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
