Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm šš»š
We are so blessed
You took acid last night and Iām up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldnāt be more perfect.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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