halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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