Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
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