i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
