dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Randomize
