Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
