My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
