We won't sleep together?
Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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