I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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