did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
