Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
