My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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