Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize