just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
