also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
