dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
