Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Randomize
