everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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