Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Randomize
