At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
