i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
