Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
