i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
