new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
