i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Randomize
