well I can't set my house on fire every night
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
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