Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Randomize
