Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
