Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Randomize
