fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
