my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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