Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
You peed on a flamingo?!?
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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