I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
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