I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
